Vertigo Down Stairs? Really!

This being my first post, I thought it best to explain the name of my new blog.

This past year at work I noticed a tendency to lose my sense of balance and become unsure of myself when walking down the stairs. Each day a little voice would nag inside, telling me I should have my inner ear checked by a doctor. As I descended the staircase, these horrible thoughts would enter my mind.

What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm losing my eyesight. No, it must be a brain tumor; the kind no one knows they have until it's too late. I'm going to die and then what will happen to my family? Look at me, I can't even walk down a simple staircase! I need to hang it up. Maybe I should quit this job. I'm too old for this. Who wants anyone who can't even walk down stairs? I need to hide this. If others knew...who knows what would happen--I might lose my job or be put away in a mental institution!

Something happened recently that changed all this.

Over the July 4 weekend I was visiting with my brother and we were comparing glasses. We both have "progressive" lenses. (That's a nice little euphemism for bifocals without the line across the lenses.) He's a chef and seeing clearly is pretty important, considering chefs deal with sharp knives and open flames. As we talked, he told me how he removed his glasses when he walked down stairs because it made him dizzy and lose his balance.

I had an AHA moment right there and the bell went off in my brain. (And it wasn't the brain tumor either!) I was experiencing the same thing. All along I thought that the problem was me when it was actually my glasses! Imagine my relief to discover that I am not dying of a brain tumor and that I won't need surgery on my inner ear.

I felt rather foolish as I remembered how I believed all thoughts that popped into my mind while descending the dreaded staircase. Each day those thoughts bombarded me and after hearing them over and over, they were becoming reality for me. I was actually considering that something was wrong with me. Worse than that, I was becoming worthless in my own eyes.

In my spiritual life I have been experiencing the same thing. In my quest for a deeper relationship with God I got active in programs and responsibilities. But like the vertigo I was experiencing on the staircase, I was unfulfilled and wondered what was wrong with me.

If only you would take this class, you'll be a great evangelist and win many for Christ. If only you will serve over here or over there, then you will be fulfilled. Take another class. Lead another group. You're not there yet. See, everyone else is involved in the big game and you're only on the sideline. More activity is what is needed. Maybe then you'll be content and full of joy like everyone else around you. Oh, and fake it, because we wouldn't want anyone to know what you are really like.

So spiritual activity became my new "staircase." Constantly I felt unfulfilled and actually believed those thoughts. I felt as though I was watching everyone else fulfilling their destinies and making a great impact for Christ. And where was I? On the sidelines watching. What was it that I was supposed to be doing anyway?

Just like discovering that the glasses were my culprit, I came to the realization that my activity for God was replacing my intimate relationship with Him. Ignoring the nudging in my heart, I was trying to find my place in His great plan without bothering to ask Him. I was offering my time, my service, my obedience and all he wanted was to stir my heart to slow down and let Him show Himself to me.

In this renewed communion, I am daring to let Him poke around in my heart. The layers of my heart are being peeled back one by one and He is bringing new life to me. The person He has created me to be is wonderful. I'm discovering that living out who I really am on the inside has changed my perspective. My spiritual vertigo had me thinking I was on the sidelines when I was in the game the whole time. His destiny for me is to be who He created me to be. As I find out more about who I am in Him, I gain understanding in what there is for me to do.

So, where are you? What wrong thoughts have you allowed to take you captive? Where are you feeling unfulfilled? He wants to fill you. There's not one more thing you could do that would make who He created you to be any more pleasing.

Take off your glasses when you go down stairs. Get new perspective by discovering who you are before you do unfulfilled activities. Listen carefully-- He's calling to your heart.